China runs out of animals to eat, use as pointless medicine
SHANGHAI – In a statement released by Chinese government officials and national army representatives, China revealed to be teetering on the verge of political meltdown as it has run out of animals to eat.
In a frank dialogue with audiences at the new Government HQ, Xian Pun Chi told the worlds media that China has initiated a bill that will allow them the freedom to go further afield to animal havens like Europe, the America’s, Africa and Antarctica to “eat every animal that lives, no matter how big, small or endangered.”
The devastation to reptile and bird populations has seen a large decline in a variety of livestock at local shops. One disgruntled shopper told the Deadender, “I used to be able to walk down the isle of my local supermarket and see hundreds of caged, terrified animals, clambering over each other in a vein attempt to breathe. At least with the new bill, I can expect to see more torture and inhumanity towards animals again.”
Animal Welfare groups have formed stiff opposition against the bill, and released a memorandum detailing the horrendous results on fragile eco-systems and the knock on effect for so many of the earth’s animals.
Unlike everywhere else on the planet, in China eating Rhino horn gives you a stonking boner
CEO of WWF, Sir Ralph Guinness Howe concurred, “Once all the animals are gone where will [the Chinese] stop? Humans? If you have a big nose, the Chinese will probably eat you for virility. If you have a thick mane, you will be bottled up and used as a perfume to promote strength and courage. This is not only about saving vulnerable animals; it’s about preventing genocide across four continents.”
China has strongly rebutted claims that cannibalism will be adopted once they have finally finished off the ailing and susceptible bear, shark and tiger population. “We are an adaptable people” said celebrity Chinese chef Max Cho. “If we get a taste for bacteria then we’ll probably throw it in a Panini or fry it off with some noodles.”
Comments
By Luke Allen on December 4th, 2008 at 3:16 am
Love it, so good! “Throw it in a panini” fkin A. Shanghai (at the start) needs to be in capitals.