Opinion: Barack Obama, inauguration
DEADEND - In light of Barack Obama’s inauguration as the first African-American President of the United States, the Deadender investigates six important firsts, and assesses their importance to society.
History is awash with firsts; the first hairdryer, the first heart transplant, the first man to step on the moonlight stage at Birmingham’s Andrew Lane Theatre. Barack Obama’s inauguration was along time coming - too long coming - but is evidence of America being only about 60 years behind the rest of the world, not the 100 years suggested by some experts.
In light of this, and to fill column space (so to speak), the Deadender has taken a look at the firsts that have made the biggest impact on society - both animal and mineral - and written down the top 6, starting with number 1.
1. The birth of the first human.
Probably the most important first for human kind happened in the Garden of Eden, a few thousand years ago. Eve – amazingly manufactured from a piece of bone and cartilage from her boyfriend’s rib – gave birth to the first human baby.
Understanding the importance of her creation, and eager to spread its DNA further, Eve left Eden, and took little Cain to Central Africa, where she left him to grow up with ape like creatures with similar DNA to herself. Eventually, after a few years, these apes would change into humans and migrate all around the known solar system.
Interesting titbit: This story, later passed down generations, would also give rise to the 1968 classic story; Planet of the Apes.
2. The first release of the 1976 sci-fi classic; Star Wars.
Deleted scenes were mainly used for footage of the 1980 porn movie Pornstar Wars
Not only does it give pleasure to thousands of geeks at fancy dress parties, but unknown to many of us the release of Star Wars gave scientists a unique glimpse into what would happen if a ship could obtain light speed, and what a 7 foot talking dog would sound like.
Using Star Wars as an example, scientists - mainly from Japan and other third world countries - have created several useful devices to make human life more hassle free. Included in the list are toasters, laser guns and chocolate.
Interesting titbit: This story, later passed down the generations, would also give rise to the 1980 classic porn movie; Feel the burn of gagging on my light sabre. Later changed in post production to; Pornstar Wars
3. The first time gravity was invented.
Gravity was first invented by a regal and brilliant scientist called Isaac Newton, in 1684. Gravity is often overlooked by people that don’t have an interest in physics, but without this nifty little force, planets could not form, and God would have been hard-pressed to create an environment suitable for two humans and a talking snake.
Interesting titbit: Sir Isaac Newton wasn’t idly reading under the branches of a tree when he famously postulated his theory. He was actually hiding from a fat girl he had drunkenly fucked two nights before.
4. The first homosexual encounter.
A 786 BC statue depicting an Olympian getting raped in the showers
History is awash with homosexuals, raging mainly among English royalty and upper-class cunts who didn’t do a great deal apart from own land.
However in order to find the first homosexuals one must travel back to ancient Greece, and more importantly to the first Olympians, who seemingly did more oiling up and wrestling in the communal baths after the events than on the track and field.
Since then, not only has human strength and commitment been rewarded with high media coverage and a decent salary, but homosexuality, like in ancient Greece, has blossomed and is celebrated accordingly.
5. The first set of stairs.
Probably the most underrated item on this list, stairs do the greatest undocumented service for our wildlife. Without this wily invention in 1954 by bearded Welshman Rhys Stairs, every building in the world would be mono floored, resulting in every square foot of our skyscrapers and town houses spilling over the countryside like a concrete water leak. If wildlife like the racoon and badger could thank him, Mr Stairs would be the most thanked man in the world.
Interesting titbit: Luckily for our diction and pronunciation, Mr Stairs urgency to get to his attic without the use of a rope meant he beat Jewish Pole inventor Jan Wyzczelkunivitz to the patent by only two days.
6. The first spoken word.
Amazingly, the first spoken word discovered was that of an Australopithecine woman uttered 100,000 years ago. The word; “Fleh” which loosely translates into English as “Toothy predator over there!” has since evolved and given the world thousands of different languages which has spawned a plethora of wonderful poetry and prose.
Interesting titbit: most archaeologists agree - judging by the bone mass and hip placement - that the first speaker was probably an Australopithecine woman in her early twenties. Scientists are unsure if she created any other words.
