Opinion: Q&A. Sebastian Sayers answers questions on Churchill, Picasso & Dragnet

Need advice? With a plethora of opinion and news going up all the time, a number of readers have been quick to question the absence of any Q and A forums we may have. As we have no qualified psychiatrists to boot, or indeed the budget to acquire one, the Deadender has taken your needs into consideration and recruited within. 

With emails clogging the office machines full of questions relating to all aspects of today’s society; schooling, public health, the War on Terror, The Deadender has taken the easiest questions to answer and forwarded them on to The Deadender’s very own author, philanthropist and astute traveller, Sebastian Sayers.

Best of luck Sebastian! ;) 

Dear Deadender. 

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for two weeks and he still hasn’t made a move on me or even tried to touch me. Am I doing something wrong? Most guys I go out with are happy sleep with me after a few pints.

Sarah Cunningham, Trowbridge

Sebastian cogitates;

In my many years on this planet one thing is always true; if a man is unwilling to have sexual relations with a woman something is drastically wrong.  It does, after all, deny the deep, fundamental drive that lies in our very being, in our loins.

The factors a psychologist will point out are numerous and irrelevant. In my view the factors can be narrowed down to a few. The first is probably to do with you. Do you have a face that resembles a Picasso painting? Perhaps you are not privy to the wonders of salad?

Salad is a great way to not be fat

The other alternative factor lies with your boyfriend. Has he ever mentioned a life changing moment in his life? Like perhaps how he lost his testicles somehow? I might hazard a guess at a freak motorcycle accident or perhaps he got his scrotum caught climbing over a barbed wire fence fleeing from the police?

Needless to say all the above ‘challenges’ can be easily overcome. If you do indeed have a face that looks eerily similar to a dropped pie may I suggest a total facial reconstruction? If you don’t have the means to two hundred thousand pounds then some heavy make-up or a brown paper bag will normally do something toward allowing you to live a normal life and fulfilling your sexual needs. On the other hand, if your boyfriend needs a set of testicles, tell him that low risk pig genital transplants are becoming readily available in the Middle East with the risk of rejection falling all the time.  

Dear Deadender 

Recently I lent a friend’s son my favourite detective movie of all time, the 1987 classic Dragnet. To my dismay the boy dismissed the movie as cheesy and not like “the Bourne Supremacy” without even watching the ending. Or indeed the infamous scene located in the strip club. With all that is going on in the world with crime, drugs, poverty and disease, how do I convince these young people of today about the purities of wholesome family movies with two of the finest actors of our generation in Tom Hanks and Dan Ackroyd? Your help would be appreciated. 

Bernard, Cornwall. 

Sebastian muses;

Although the Bourne Supremacy grossed $93 million more than Dragnet, Dragnet remains the better option on DVD, says Sebastian Sayers

Downplaying the greatness of Dragnet weakens the very values, forthrightedness and humour that our great country was founded on. Dragnet is not only one of the finest detective movies ever made, it is one of the finest movies ever made. The award-winning performance of laid-back cop turned good cop Pep Streebeck (Hanks) is without question his finest role to date. Even taking into consideration his dabble in soft porn in 1978. Tell your son’s friend that if he chooses to go down the dark and lonely road of being an intellectual film snob whilst discounting family wonders like Dragnet then only addiction, disease and death await him. Plus shit him up by threatening to kill his father. 

Dear Deadender, 

My son has been acting differently for some time and I’m starting to get concerned he may be a homosexual. Firstly, about a month ago whilst vacuuming his bedroom I found ticket stubs for Mamma Mia and High School Musical, then about two weeks ago I noticed that his wardrobe had got well ordered and extremely tasteful and to top it all off in the last week or so he seems to have acquired a whole host of female friends. I want to find out the truth, but obviously don’t want to create a rift between us by bringing it up.

Joan, NY. via email. 

Sebastian ponders, 

Although homosexuality is seemingly accepted in today’s society, if God had his way your son would burn in Hell for eternity. I however, as a modern liberal man, think your son should probably live. After all, you only have to take a quick peek into history to spot some wonderful men who may have dabbled with members of their own sex. To save you your bus fair and a trip to the library allow me to indulge you. 

Winston Churchill wouldn't be allowed onto the Blood Bus if he were alive today

Winston Churchill, the victorious, alcoholic war PM did once admit to having a sexual encounter with the songwriter Ivor Novello. Errol Flynn, the swashbuckling hunk of the 30’s and 40’s was reported to have had sex with (I would assume) a very lucky fellow and lastly Will Young, a young man with a voice more soulful than an angel, has recently been reported to have chugged down some cock.  This shouldn’t confuse you but liberate you into making the right decision. You either kick your son out and burn all of his clothes, or you embrace him, and hope that he too will grow up to lead us through a World War. 

•  Sebastian Sayers is a contributor to The Deadender.com and his opinions in no way represent the opinions of the editor or the publisher, unless his responses were quite funny.
• If you have any pressing concerns because of the recession, sons and daughters going overseas to fight the War on Terror or a problem with your local library’s opening times please send us an email via our contacts page, and we’ll endevour to answer your concerns honestly, credibly and seriously.  

Comments

By With This Diet I Shed T h i r t y P o u n d s in Thirty Days on May 6th, 2009 at 4:56 pm

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