Weightlifting champion ashamed to lose battle with micro-organism, cold virus.
GOLD’S GYM, CALIFORNIA - Bewildered weightlifting superstar Jay Cutler is refusing to show his face at his local gym after a failure to beat off an endemic cold virus that has been going around for the last week or so.
2006 Mr Olympian Cutler- who is impressively able to squat 1000 pounds - was first aware he was under attack whilst completing a set of 120 pound barbell curls and flexing his guns in one of the large mirrors in the gym. Said Cutler, “I felt a twinge in my throat, but didn’t think it was anything serious. I’m too strong.”
Cutler proves once and for all that dedication and looking kind of black are the receipes for muscle definition
Cutler’s denial could have been to do with his body producing insane quantities of endorphins, a by-product of putting his body under enormous metabolic and anaerobic stress. Alternatively, it could have something to do with Cutler being high on every concoction of performance enhancing drugs the market has available. Or, it could simply be that he is an arrogant jockstrap wielding tool.
“When you’re Jay’s size, you don’t expect to get beaten so hard by something that weighs a trillionth of your own body weight. It really is a David and Goliath story,” said local Doctor Jim Burton. “If something so minute can force Jay to bed, what would it do to normal pathetic people who don’t have the muscle to fight it off? It’s terrifying.”
The virus first started attacking Cutler during its ingestion stage, where it sneakily sucked its way past his grapefruit sized calf muscles and through his manly nostril cavity and nestled neatly in his muscular throat. There the virus avoided Cutler’s majestic deltoids and spread into his powerful bloodstream and began causing heinous symptoms commonly associated with the common cold.
“If I could workout the inside of my body to stop this kind of shit happening again I’d do it in a heartbeat,” said a visibly shaken Cutler. “I’ve been fucking beaten by a micro-loser with no guns to speak of.”
The micro-organism failed to comment, but is said to be looking to participate in Mr Olympia 2009.
Concluded Cutler; “Perhaps next time this micro virus can take me on in a fair fight. Lets see what this joker can really do on the benchpress.”
