Photo-fits
Not too long ago Photo-fits of Madeline McCann had been released and whilst I don’t wish to dwell too long on the McCann case (an intention similar to the Portuguese police department) - not owing to levels of taste or decency (as the deadender.com™ seems to have no such restrictions), but as my first article perhaps it unwise to pick such a controversial issue, perhaps after the next child abduction or a few more years it will become not just socially acceptable but socially obligatory for us to joke about it? Just take Milly Dowler as an example – it is the ideal starting place to ascertain the value of Photo-fits or E-fits.
Concerning the McCann images, an anonymous lab assistant defended the rather unexpected results, stating that ‘you would be surprised how accurate these things actually are (a claim owing itself to the fact that no Photo-fit has ever solved a crime or located the person in question and as such we cannot question these supposed accuracies, even if the evidence and results contradict rationality to the extreme),’ the assistant continued, ‘many seven year old girls have size 34 Double D breasts nowadays and it is not uncommon for the colour of people’s irises to change as they mature.’ The assistant was defending the rather questionable physical appearances attributed to this much more mature Madeline.
The images released of Osama before and after the removal of his beard and Turban. Although few would have expected Osama to look just like Brad Pitt we are assured that the results are 99.99% accurate.
But who am I to question the accuracy of Photo-fits? Although I might have made this up entirely: Photo-fits of Osama bin Laden were released too. The job of these scientists must be so hard because I would never have imagined the results that emerged from their research. What was presented was an Osama minus his beard and turban and low and behold hiding behind that was a 30 something blonde, with blue eyes and a perfect bone structure. The company behind the research and development claimed that although the results may come as a shock to many, if you look closely at the biological makeup of Brad and Osama they are genetically ‘twins’.
The only account of Photo-fits being compared to their real-life counterpart were those of Saddam Hussein. Once again time was spent analysing the person in consideration, two images prevailed one in disguise and one minus a moustache, these in fact were surprisingly accurate (partly due to the fact that they were simply badly photo-shopped images of the man himself). Unfortunately for the team who produced the images the man was actually found, and they failed to take into account a few considerations that to a certain extent are excusable owing to their ‘remarkable peculiarity’. A spokesperson said, ‘How were we meant to know that Saddam’s beard would continue to grow? Even if a person is the most wanted man in the world surely he still has time to have a shower, a shave and a haircut; the minute discrepancies are due to the laziness of Saddam and in no way any fault of our own. Moreover, if you were on the run (from the entire world) every one of us would pop on some fake glasses and a funny nose; no-one would ever suspect a thing, surely?’
Having said that the Photo-fits on Watchdog and Crimewatch each week have kept the British public entertained for years; let’s keep them.
Above: The images produced of Saddam without his moustache; cleverly disguised; and the actual state he was found in. The CIA maintained that their contribution to the finding of Saddam was vital as without these images the ex-Iraqi dictator would likely been released without further questioning, regardless to whether he was found suspiciously, cowering in a tiny hole covered by a rug in the middle of a desert.
