Timeline: Why Foreign Influence is Good for the English Premier League
English football has been inundated with foreign players, managers and owners for over two decades. Originally thought to be bad for the ferocious English style and national team, the Deadender scraps this nationalist approach, and identifies successful and pivotal dates of foreign influence.
1605; Spaniard Juan Marco Jimenez is the first foreigner to play in England against a rowdy bunch of locals called the Queens’ Executioners, as he is unceremonially chased through the local village of Shrewsbury carrying a pig’s bladder. Mr Jimenez was later tried and hanged for treason.
1984; Minority gang violence reduces dramatically in less affluent areas of Birmingham after local fans at a West Bromwich Albion match are able to take out their aggression on the French Guiana forward Cyrille Regis, who they claim is ‘too slow’, ‘lazy’ and ‘better at chasing gazelle’.
1995; Having seen his face on Crimewatch six years prior, Eric Cantona unselfishly alerts stadium police by fly-kicking rapist and paedophile Matthew Simmons in the face after spotting him in the stands in a game between Manchester United and Crystal Palace.
1997/98; To the delight of fans across the country, Manchester United don’t regain the Premiership title after Frenchman Arsene Wenger introduces Alex Ferguson to the wonders of a 2007 Beaujolais Nouveau Red, knocking the United manager off the wagon and rendering his team selection useless.
2000; Due to continental players having smaller genitals, communal baths are scrapped to avoid the new European superstars embarrassing themselves after a match. To the relief of wives and girlfriends cases of inter-team genital herpes reduces by 50%.
2003; To the delight of Brits everywhere, Balding Swede Sven Goran Erikson demonstrates that you don’t have to be successful in your job to get money and women.
2004; After a turbulent season and near split with his partner, Leicester City winger Keith Gillespie rekindles his love of the game (and his girlfriend) after foreign teammates demonstrate the sexual positions required to hit his girlfriend’s G spot on a terrified local girl in the Spanish holiday resort of La Manga.
2009; New British high-diving champion Thomas Daley (14) attributes his recent victories to his footballing hero Christiano Ronaldo, after watching him dive all around the field in an attempt to dupe the referee into awarding him 10’s across the board.
