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T5: Air quality results rendered useless as pollution melts monitoring device

HEATHROW - Air quality monitoring devices spread strategically around the new Terminal 5 runway at Heathrow Airport have produced inconclusive evidence of excessive pollution because they have all melted.

“Once we’d found them through all the smog it was evident they were unlikely to yield any notable results” Explained Bruce Boulter, an engineer from a local air monitoring company. “All five devices had corroded so badly there was bearly evidence they were once monitoring devices.”

Greenpeace, who strongly opposed the introduction of Terminal 5 in 2008 have already sent a 50,000 signature petition to the House of Commons, insisting new, more robust devices be used. However, Environment minister Sammy Wilson quashed any apparent environmental concerns in a statement explaining that “people enjoy going on holidays” and finished reassuring worried resisdence of West London that “cancer is more curable these days.”

“People want it both ways,” added climatologist Mark Gardener. “If they want the climate but not the tumours they are better off emigrating to the equator. But then they’ll probably complain when they contract Malaria. There is no pleasing some people.”

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