Four millimetres of snow has same effect as apocalyptic nuclear strike, say government
BRISTOL - Britain’s military is on full alert as Britain entered an apocalyptic code red scenario this week following the onslaught of approximately four millimetres of frozen rain sweeping across its southern counties.
The frozen rain, also called snow, has raised alarming parallels with nuclear strikes in Nagasaki and Hiroshima in the 1940’s and French testing sites which obliterated half of the Atlantic marine wildlife in the 1990’s. Although Britain’s fish seem unaffected, there has been limitless damage to important power grids, road infrastructure and most dauntingly, the ability to see the sun.
Homeland security secretary Jacqui Smith has been quick to draw comparisons with the snow and Hiroshima. “The only thing missing [with the snow] is for people to be blown off their feet and have the skin on their backs melt. Of course if the snow continues to fall, then you can be assured that will happen.”
One man froze to death awaiting rescue on his car
The military has been called in to help with the rescue effort. In the South West alone, approximately six people have needed rescuing from their inappropriately low powered vehicles as the snow levels rise a few more millimetres. “New recruits know that it isn’t all about tanning themselves in the Middle East and blowing away insurgents with their M203 [Grenade Launcher]” said the newly appointed commander of British land forces General Sir David Richards, “there are less glamorous sides to the job, like helping simpletons from the bottom of a steep, ice ridden hill and rescuing cute little kittens from scary high trees.”
Other allied countries are also on high alert, as the new wave of terror spreads across Britain. The United States of America has issued a warning to the rest of the world that apocalyptic snow storms will not be tolerated. “We’re not sure where this threat has come from, but rest assured that someone wants to disrupt our democratic way of life.” Said Chief of staff George W. Casey from his holiday home in the Caribbean Island of Trinidad.
With snow levels set to rise and more schools and businesses set to close, Britain must brace itself for more gloom and misery. “At least we know what it must have been like in Hiroshima in [19]45” said a visibly upset woman trying to entice her cat out of a tree.
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