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God admits He is an atheist

BRISTOL - Despite the rapturous divides between religious beliefs, the true understanding of a divine deity and the unremitting arguments regarding abiogenesis, the omniscient creator of the universe ended all speculation this week as he pronounced himself an atheist.

In a frank statement at the ‘No God, No Life; Know God, Know Life’ stall for Bristol University freshers, God told reporters and students that after reviewing his work for the first time in years He had discovered the many flaws in His original design and had consequently found it difficult to even believe in himself.

“Well we all make mistakes. When you look at the simple fact that Andromeda galaxy is on a cosmic collision course with Earth’s solar system, and your sun is due to fizzle out and become a red dwarf, it certainly appears like I fucked up a bit,” God declared whilst swigging a bottle of Jack Daniels.

“I also totally forgot about diminishing the evolutionary capability of harmful micro organisms and allowed the malfunction of replicating cells that enable cancerous growths. But hey, at least I made big juicy tits.”

The revelations come as something of a shock to scientists, who have been gradually unravelling the origins of life and the creation of the universe for millennia. Lawrence Krauss, celebrated physicist and author of numerous high-brow texts like The Physics of Star Trek has been seen around Arizona State University smashing his head against the walls of the Theology building, declaring his two-hundred thousand dollar degree and extensive, painstaking understanding of the anomalies of physics a total waste of time.

It has always been a mystery to non-believing Christians why God only revealed himself to a tribe of stupefied peasants in Bronze Age Palestine, forgoing the thirteen billion years that saw the formation of planets and known elements of matter, the emergence of single celled life and the slow and arduous process of mutation and natural selection, “My timing has always been out for sure,” God continued, “the last time I manifested myself into a living creature I was a mouse sized shrew in the age of Dinosaurs. Compared to that, spreading the word of myself to a bunch of simpletons in the Middle East was a piece of piss.”

With the sun due to expire within five billion years, God has promised to get his head together with scientists to try and devise a strategy of survival. “It’s going to be tough. Without the heat and light from the sun nothing on Earth can survive. Maybe with the nuclear technology currently being funded by the Bush administration some kind of light and heat giving device can be erected in its place. Of course, with the arrival of Andromeda in four billion years all that would probably be a total waste of tax payer’s money.”

After a belch and a quick scratch of His nuts, God left students with a positive message, “I guess all’s to do is put my hand up and say next time I’ll try to do better. Oh and be sure to do everything you want in this lifetime, as I may have made some miscalculations regarding the afterlife also.”

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