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Four millimetres of snow has same effect as apocalyptic nuclear strike, say government
BRISTOL - Britain’s military is on full alert as Britain entered an apocalyptic code red scenario this week following the onslaught of approximately four millimetres of frozen rain sweeping across its southern counties. The frozen rain, also called snow, has raised alarming parallels with nuclear strikes in Nagasaki and Hiroshima in the 1940’s
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Tree killed in fatal bus crash
GLOUCESTERSHIRE – A tree has been fatally injured as a bus carrying 40 passengers, including 29 Royal Marines bound for their holidays in Afghanistan, slid on ice and tumbled down a steep bank, causing mortal damage to its trunk and root systems. The tree, a 24 metre, 18 year-old Hornbeam was not killed
Man believed to be Jesus Christ actually a bearded parachutist
TEXAS - A bearded man who was parachuting from a plane caused alarming commotion in Houston this week as he crash-landed into a bramble bush in St John’s Methodist Church graveyard, causing the entire congregation to drop to their knees and praise the Lord for Judgement Day. The confusion arose
Bear Grylls taken ill at hospital after eating ordinary food
LONDON – After returning to England after completing another series of Bear Grylls; born survivor for channel 4, Bear Grylls was rushed to A&E after eating ordinary food. The presenter and ex-SAS marine is said to be conscious and in a stable condition at St Mary’s Hospital after a small seizure
Mysterious poltergeist turns out to be progressive alzheimers in homeowner
BRISTOL - Experts in paranormal phenomenon were called to a house in Bradley Stoke after a spate of personal items had systematically moved unaided from one room to another. Retired legal clerk and homeowner Harry Burnham, 78, called police after the supposed poltergeist of his ex-wife had sent him
Zebra crossing zebra crossing killed
REGENTS PARK (NEAR LONDON ZOO), LONDON, ENGLAND- Public outcry has surfaced after an escaped zebra from London Zoo was struck and killed by a Fiat Chiquechento on a nearby zebra crossing. The female driver of the vehicle claimed that she never saw the sprawled Zebra appear from the two-toned zebra
Teenagers to learn about alternatives to pregnancy from top pornography, money shots
LONDON - Stroke victim Gordon Brown announced Wednesday that Labour are introducing another government initiative aimed at introducing school children to hardcore pornography, as an aid to stopping high rates of pregnancy amongst teenagers. With teenage pregnancy in the UK exceeding all other European
Will Young meets Cheryl Tweedy, wishes he wasn’t gay
BATH – whilst recording his new album at the legendary Moles studio’s, X Factor winner Will Young had a brief conversation with Girls Aloud beauty Cheryl Tweedy and really wished he wasn’t gay. The two artists crossed paths in the mixing studio after Will, 29, had finished over dubbing his vocals
Bookmakers can now fuck hookers as Obama occupies Whitehouse
Bookmakers are beginning to show an up-turn in profits this week, quashing the rumours that they are suffering under the ongoing credit-crunch. Analysts are attributing their recent growth to the flurry of post US election wagers that have been flooding into betting shops since Barack Obama swept to
Fat people just wrong height, say fat people
BRISTOL - Overweight scientists at Bristol University have released startling new evidence that obesity isn’t a result of eating saturated fats, cake, pie, salt, chocolate and even more saturated fats but is in fact the result of the individual simply being the wrong height. “We studied 300
Weightlifting champion ashamed to lose battle with micro-organism, cold virus.
GOLD’S GYM, CALIFORNIA - Bewildered weightlifting superstar Jay Cutler is refusing to show his face at his local gym after a failure to beat off an endemic cold virus that has been going around for the last week or so. 2006 Mr Olympian Cutler- who is impressively able to squat 1000 pounds - was first
Japanese robotic teacher needs to be profanity, kick and piss proof, says British education minister
BRISTOL – Scientists at Bristol University have been busy adapting the latest technological advancement from Japan, in a bid to make it a success in schools across Britain. The robotic humanoid, named Saya, was created by Hiroshi Kobayashi at the University of Tokyo in a bid to provide children in
Kelly Brook asked to leave ‘Britain’s got talent’, nation of Sun readers mourn.
LONDON - Shock resounded throughout the show business fraternity today when it was announced that busty rugby wag Kelly Brook had been asked to leave the popular ITV show Britain’s Got Talent. The news has surprised the legions of white van drivers across the UK, 95% of whom emphatically declared
China runs out of animals to eat, use as pointless medicine
SHANGHAI – In a statement released by Chinese government officials and national army representatives, China revealed to be teetering on the verge of political meltdown as it has run out of animals to eat. In a frank dialogue with audiences at the new Government HQ, Xian Pun Chi told the worlds media
Cave-dwelling terrorists still slightly brighter than Intelligence agencies, FBI
AFGHANISTAN – The myriad of uneducated Taliban insurgents hiding in the mountains in Afghanistan are proving incredibly illusive to the many Ivy League graduates working for the top intelligence agencies, it was revealed today. The Taliban fighters have been hiding within an eight mile radius of the
Pope Benedict blames homosexuality for poor golf round, frigid weather conditions.
SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS, MUIR OF ORD - The Pope has defamed homosexuals again and blamed the recent onset of frigid temperatures as evidence of God’s disproval for homosexuality, and it having nothing to do with the fact it’s Winter. At a charity golf tournament run annually at the highlands Muir
Prince Harry; “It’s hard not to be racist when I’m an upper class soldier trained to kill brown people”
LONDON – Army officials have confirmed they are sending Prince Harry on a quality and diversity course to prevent more racial slurs after his latest outburst in an attempt to minimise damage to his and the royal family’s reputation. Aside from dressing as a Nazi and groping girls’ tits in bars,
Plane grounded as autopilot three times over the legal alcohol limit
HEATHROW – United Airlines flight 352, which was scheduled to fly from London to New York was refused take-off after reports that the autopilot was three times over the legal alcohol limit. The Autopilot, known only as ‘The Autopilot’, was first suspected of being drunk as the Boeing 747
Sarah Palin denies World is 10,000 years old. “It’s actually only 6,000”
WASHINGTON – Alaskan vice-president candidate and pretty attractive hockey ‘mom’ Governor Sarah Palin has refuted claims that she believes the world is 10,000 years old, claiming she’s knows for a fact it is only 6,000. Palin has been under constant attack from the Democratic Party since her
Man completes game after 23 years
DEADEND - A man has gone into the record books this week after taking 23 years to complete a computer game.
Leslie Olson of Deadend, Bristol told of his torment and subsequent joy at completing the game, raising his blistered hands and fingers in the air and fisting defiantly to mocking neighbours.