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God admits He is an atheist
BRISTOL - Despite the rapturous divides between religious beliefs, the true understanding of a divine deity and the unremitting arguments regarding abiogenesis, the omniscient creator of the universe ended all speculation this week as he pronounced himself an atheist. In a frank statement at the ‘No God, No Life; Know God, Know Life’ stall for Bristol
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Four millimetres of snow has same effect as apocalyptic nuclear strike, say government
BRISTOL - Britain’s military is on full alert as Britain entered an apocalyptic code red scenario this week following the onslaught of approximately four millimetres of frozen rain sweeping across its southern counties. The frozen rain, also called snow, has raised alarming parallels with nuclear
Low budget independent film has critics ecstatic, ordinary movie-goers, not so much
BRISTOL - Critics from several blog sites and newspapers have been quick to heap praise on Kelly Reichardt’s second film, Wendy and Lucy after it was aired in Bristol’s Watershed cinema. Ordinary movie-goers however, have been scratching their collective heads for days after the screening,
BBC removes sitcom from schedule because it’s actually funny
LONDON – Head of the BBC Michael Lyons confirmed Wednesday that a new comedy scheduled to air in the New Year on BBC2 was pulled and sold to Channel 4 because it was actually quite good, and made people laugh. The new show ‘New Age Superstars’ was written by award winning writer Neil Vincent and
Tree killed in fatal bus crash
GLOUCESTERSHIRE – A tree has been fatally injured as a bus carrying 40 passengers, including 29 Royal Marines bound for their holidays in Afghanistan, slid on ice and tumbled down a steep bank, causing mortal damage to its trunk and root systems. The tree, a 24 metre, 18 year-old Hornbeam was not killed
T5: Air quality results rendered useless as pollution melts monitoring device
HEATHROW - Air quality monitoring devices spread strategically around the new Terminal 5 runway at Heathrow Airport have produced inconclusive evidence of excessive pollution because they have all melted. “Once we’d found them through all the smog it was evident they were unlikely to yield
Man believed to be Jesus Christ actually a bearded parachutist
TEXAS - A bearded man who was parachuting from a plane caused alarming commotion in Houston this week as he crash-landed into a bramble bush in St John’s Methodist Church graveyard, causing the entire congregation to drop to their knees and praise the Lord for Judgement Day. The confusion arose
Despite late surge in celebrity death, Michael Jackson still No.1 for 2009
CALIFORNIA - A poll in popular men’s magazine Maxim revealed readers voted unequivocally that king of pop, Michael Jackson, still held the reins as biggest celebrity death in 2009, despite a strong late showing from other Hollywood heavyweights like Patrick Swayze and David Carradine. During the
Timeline: Why Foreign Influence is Good for the English Premier League
English football has been inundated with foreign players, managers and owners for over two decades. Originally thought to be bad for the ferocious English style and national team, the Deadender scraps this nationalist approach, and identifies successful and pivotal dates of foreign influence. 1605;
Patrick Swayze, a life’s work: Ghost and not much else
CALIFORNIA - Hollywood star and one time heart throb Patrick Swayze died peacefully in his home yesterday, after an 18 month battle with pancreatic cancer, sparking journalists across the media to stop and consider Swayze’s body of work, and wonder how anyone actually knew who he was. Swayze
Committed man’s imaginary friend turns out to be Jesus Christ, man released
BRISTOL - A man stood shouting into the sky and then talking to himself outside Bristol Cathedral was committed to psychiatric care yesterday, only to be released today after specialists ascertained the man was simply having a conversation with Jesus, not a supposed imaginary friend. The thirty-five
Zebra crossing zebra crossing killed
REGENTS PARK (NEAR LONDON ZOO), LONDON, ENGLAND- Public outcry has surfaced after an escaped zebra from London Zoo was struck and killed by a Fiat Chiquechento on a nearby zebra crossing. The female driver of the vehicle claimed that she never saw the sprawled Zebra appear from the two-toned zebra
T-100 glad to be back mainstream acting, resisting gay porn
Los Angeles - T-100, the robot who played the skeletal role of Arnold Schwarzenegger in the first three Terminator movies has spoken out about the excitement of getting the opportunity to act again in the fourth Terminator movie; Terminator Salvation, despite participating in gay porn following his mainstream
God plans to create new flawless human, not like current idiots
SOMEWHERE IN HEAVEN - Deep in the bowels of His own research laboratory, God Almighty has been scheming for several decades in preparation for the release of a new human, one that is not partial to self-made destruction, cruelty and its own self worth. Tentatively named Adam Jr, this new type of human
Catholic footballer calls religion into question after missing open goal
BARCELONA - 18 year-old sensation Bojan Krkic has questioned his Catholic faith after failing to score the winning goal in the Champions League Semi-Final against Chelsea at the Nou Camp last night. With only three minutes left to play in injury time and the score precariously balanced at 0-0, Bojan
Fat people just wrong height, say fat people
BRISTOL - Overweight scientists at Bristol University have released startling new evidence that obesity isn’t a result of eating saturated fats, cake, pie, salt, chocolate and even more saturated fats but is in fact the result of the individual simply being the wrong height. “We studied 300
Weightlifting champion ashamed to lose battle with micro-organism, cold virus.
GOLD’S GYM, CALIFORNIA - Bewildered weightlifting superstar Jay Cutler is refusing to show his face at his local gym after a failure to beat off an endemic cold virus that has been going around for the last week or so. 2006 Mr Olympian Cutler- who is impressively able to squat 1000 pounds - was first
Japanese robotic teacher needs to be profanity, kick and piss proof, says British education minister
BRISTOL – Scientists at Bristol University have been busy adapting the latest technological advancement from Japan, in a bid to make it a success in schools across Britain. The robotic humanoid, named Saya, was created by Hiroshi Kobayashi at the University of Tokyo in a bid to provide children in
New weight-loss reality show becomes cannibalism horror
LONDON - Reality TV show experts Channel 4 have been criticised by human rights groups after they produced a pilot for a new weight-loss reality TV show, that forced upset and starving contestants to fend for themselves in a traditional survival situation. The idea of the show was to force food deprived
Adopted kids happier; have the benefit of not knowing what they are going to die of
BIRMINGHAM –Shocking new evidence has come to light on adoption this week, as adoption agency Barnardo’s has thrown a spanner into previous childhood psychiatric studies by claiming that adopted children have a better chance at a happier, more rewarding life. The shock revelations were aired on BBC3