In a frank statement at the ‘No God, No Life; Know God, Know Life’ stall for Bristol University freshers, God told reporters and students that after reviewing his work for the first time in years He had discovered the many flaws in His original design and had consequently found it difficult to even believe in himself.

“Well we all make mistakes. When you look at the simple fact that Andromeda galaxy is on a cosmic collision course with Earth’s solar system, and your sun is due to fizzle out and become a red dwarf, it certainly appears like I fucked up a bit,” God declared whilst swigging a bottle of Jack Daniels.

“I also totally forgot about diminishing the evolutionary capability of harmful micro organisms and allowed the malfunction of replicating cells that enable cancerous growths. But hey, at least I made big juicy tits.”

The revelations come as something of a shock to scientists, who have been gradually unravelling the origins of life and the creation of the universe for millennia. Lawrence Krauss, celebrated physicist and author of numerous high-brow texts like The Physics of Star Trek has been seen around Arizona State University smashing his head against the walls of the Theology building, declaring his two-hundred thousand dollar degree and extensive, painstaking understanding of the anomalies of physics a total waste of time.

It has always been a mystery to non-believing Christians why God only revealed himself to a tribe of stupefied peasants in Bronze Age Palestine, forgoing the thirteen billion years that saw the formation of planets and known elements of matter, the emergence of single celled life and the slow and arduous process of mutation and natural selection, “My timing has always been out for sure,” God continued, “the last time I manifested myself into a living creature I was a mouse sized shrew in the age of Dinosaurs. Compared to that, spreading the word of myself to a bunch of simpletons in the Middle East was a piece of piss.”

With the sun due to expire within five billion years, God has promised to get his head together with scientists to try and devise a strategy of survival. “It’s going to be tough. Without the heat and light from the sun nothing on Earth can survive. Maybe with the nuclear technology currently being funded by the Bush administration some kind of light and heat giving device can be erected in its place. Of course, with the arrival of Andromeda in four billion years all that would probably be a total waste of tax payer’s money.”

After a belch and a quick scratch of His nuts, God left students with a positive message, “I guess all’s to do is put my hand up and say next time I’ll try to do better. Oh and be sure to do everything you want in this lifetime, as I may have made some miscalculations regarding the afterlife also.”

The frozen rain, also called snow, has raised alarming parallels with nuclear strikes in Nagasaki and Hiroshima in the 1940’s and French testing sites which obliterated half of the Atlantic marine wildlife in the 1990’s. Although Britain’s fish seem unaffected, there has been limitless damage to important power grids, road infrastructure and most dauntingly, the ability to see the sun.

Homeland security secretary Jacqui Smith has been quick to draw comparisons with the snow and Hiroshima. “The only thing missing [with the snow] is for people to be blown off their feet and have the skin on their backs melt. Of course if the snow continues to fall, then you can be assured that will happen.”

One man froze to death awaiting rescue on his car

The military has been called in to help with the rescue effort. In the South West alone, approximately six people have needed rescuing from their inappropriately low powered vehicles as the snow levels rise a few more millimetres. “New recruits know that it isn’t all about tanning themselves in the Middle East and blowing away insurgents with their M203 [Grenade Launcher]” said the newly appointed commander of British land forces General Sir David Richards, “there are less glamorous sides to the job, like helping simpletons from the bottom of a steep, ice ridden hill and rescuing cute little kittens from scary high trees.”

Other allied countries are also on high alert, as the new wave of terror spreads across Britain. The United States of America has issued a warning to the rest of the world that apocalyptic snow storms will not be tolerated. “We’re not sure where this threat has come from, but rest assured that someone wants to disrupt our democratic way of life.” Said Chief of staff George W. Casey from his holiday home in the Caribbean Island of Trinidad.

With snow levels set to rise and more schools and businesses set to close, Britain must brace itself for more gloom and misery. “At least we know what it must have been like in Hiroshima in [19]45” said a visibly upset woman trying to entice her cat out of a tree.

The linear narrative of the film follows Wendy, a poverty struck woman who’s car breaks down somewhere in Oregon as she travels to Alaska, in the hope of making ends meet. After walking around for a bit, she loses her canine companion Lucy, and then spends the better part of an hour wandering around scenic locations looking for her.

A walk in the park: for some, this film certainly was not

“The real beauty of the film is in witnessing first hand the destructive nature of poverty, and how easy it is to fall into” wrote Sundance reviewer Bart Legerstein. Peter Bradshaw of the Guardian goes as far as to describe the film as having ”reticent performance, cultured, poignant dialogue, stonewashed colour photography and plain [and most importantly] sans-serif lettering on the credits.”

“Judging by the title I thought it was going to be lesbians”,  mused musician Aaron Thomas, whilst swigging a pint of lager after the screening.  “At worst a pillow fight or mud wrestle.”

The Watershed has a reputation for appealing more to the bohemian, sandle-wearing, performance poetry writing individual, and has refused to refund angry viewers of their admission fee, acknowledging that; “When people come [to the watershed] they’d better expect to be served by people who make their own clothes and watch films that can nullify someone with ADD.”

“I didn’t realise they made films four hours long,” suggested comic book enthusiast Tim. “I thought I’d entered a blackhole.”

Wendy and Lucy closes on Monday, and is in fact 80 minutes in duration.

The new show ‘New Age Superstars’ was written by award winning writer Neil Vincent and features current themes and witty, poignant humour.

This is not the first time the BBC has shunned a sitcom due to its humour and originality; Channel 4 comedy Peep Show was originally submitted to the BBC Writers Room but was rejected at the first hurdle because it appealed to people under the age of 80.

In comedic terms, After You've Gone is on a par with shitting blood

“People watch[ing] BBC sitcoms [don’t expect to get laughs.]” Said Lyons, “They expect to get [overpaid] household names [who probably did something distinctly average about thirty years ago, like Jasper Carrot.]”

One reason for the horrid lack of good comedy on the BBC is the misuse of tax payer’s money, choosing instead to pay above average salaries to below average stars like Ross Kemp, Jonathan Ross and Gary Richardson.

To continue the trend of mind-numbingly bad comedy, the BBC is set to continue airing total shit as it lays the financial foundations for another series of My Family, After You’ve Gone and All About Me.

The tree, a 24 metre, 18 year-old Hornbeam was not killed instantly, but suffered insurmountable internal injuries. A tree surgeon later felled the tree with a chainsaw and fully destroyed it in a chipper machine. The tree will now be sold as bark chippings at a local garden centre to prevent weeds growing in pensioners’ flower beds.

Other Hornbeams watch in horror as one of their own is struck by a bus

“We’d see the tree on our way to the pub every evening,” said one upset local, “It’s too bad it was cut down in its prime. And for what? So more marines can go sun themselves abroad?”

There is a long list of environmental issues in Gloucestershire with its precious tree population, as the country has lost over 30 percent of its trees to logging, careless driving and wild goats butting and chewing the bark exoskeleton.

Local wildlife is also seriously affected as the Hornbeam provides a number of important functions like shelter, water, and in the case of rare birds, a stable and secure home in which to raise a family.

The Hornbeam’s next of kin has been informed.

“Once we’d found them through all the smog it was evident they were unlikely to yield any notable results” Explained Bruce Boulter, an engineer from a local air monitoring company. “All five devices had corroded so badly there was bearly evidence they were once monitoring devices.”

Inspectors search for the air quality monitoring equipment

Greenpeace, who strongly opposed the introduction of Terminal 5 in 2008 have already sent a 50,000 signature petition to the House of Commons, insisting new, more robust devices be used. However, Environment minister Sammy Wilson quashed any apparent environmental concerns in a statement explaining that “people enjoy going on holidays” and finished reassuring worried resisdence of West London that “cancer is more curable these days.”

“People want it both ways,” added climatologist Mark Gardener. “If they want the climate but not the tumours they are better off emigrating to the equator. But then they’ll probably complain when they contract Malaria. There is no pleasing some people.”

Aside from dressing as a Nazi and groping girls’ tits in bars, Prince Harry, 24, was recorded using the term ‘Paki’ about a fellow soldier in 2006, calling another colleague a ‘rag-head’ in relation to his camouflaged veil, and in 2008 was overheard telling a friend he didn’t find comedian Lenny Henry funny.

Prince Harry's B grade at A'Level Art has certainly stood him in good stead to lead underpriviledged boys into battle

“You can’t blame the individual but the system,” said newly appointed leader of ground forces General Sir David Richards. “The only time [Prince Harry] sees a brown person is in his gun sight, serving him breakfast or in dangerous street gangs on his television. When you’re the Prince, you don’t necessarily get to go out and see that these stereotypes aren’t always true.”

The Royal family is no stranger to previous racial slurs, with fellow family members finding themselves in hot water over racial remarks. The Prince of Wales was recorded referring to his Indian polo colleague as ‘Sooty’, and the Duke of Edinburgh confirmed in an interview that Robert Mugabe was “probably misunderstood.”

“The only true way for prince Harry to show he’s got something out of the course is to demonstrate a willingness to watch more basketball games, ensure the next heir to the British thrown isn’t necessarily white and attend a Lenny Henry stand-up show and actually laugh,” said retired Royal speaker Dickie Arbiter.  “Although I appreciate that the last request might be pushing it too far.”

Retired legal clerk and homeowner Harry Burnham, 78, called police after the supposed poltergeist of his ex-wife had sent him signs of her presence by moving a saucepan from the dishwasher to a cupboard and a newspaper from the coffee table to the recycling bin.

The scientists were called in from various corners of the globe, all experts in the field of parapyschology and paranormal activity.  After spending a number of minutes in Mr Burnham’s company it became apparent to the scientists that the problem was less paranormal and more mental. Said head scientist Charles Fort, “After Mr Burnham asked us if we would like a cup of coffee six times in ten minutes we began to suspect something. The shoe finally dropped when he returned with the fifth cup of coffee and claimed we were burglars and tried to assault us.”

Experts are now divided over whether past Poltergeist stories would stand up to scientific scrutiny and whether there is an opportunity to examine the DNA of historic poltergeist witnesses in an attempt to prove they were crazy. Hollywood has no plan to make Poltergeist VII detailing the new findings.

The confusion arose after the man - forty-five year-old Lenny Barowicz - was seen unconscious and spread eagled in a bush, apparently donning a beard, a thorn crown and a strange robe. After Mr Barowicz was removed from the brambles by paramedics it was discovered that his parachute had inextricably tangled itself around his body as he crashed, causing the confusion.

Mistaken Messiah: Unlike Mr Barowicz, Jesus won't descend to earth from an aeroplane

“I’m pretty embarrassed,” said local church goer Tyler Newton, “I’d already phoned everyone I knew and told them to pack all their stuff up [as it was the end of days]. I even told the Jew next door to go fuck himself because i was going to heaven and he wasn’t.”

Christian prophecy proclaims that Jesus Christ - man’s saviour and evangelical goody goody - will descend from the heavens in full human form sometime in 2012 AD and end the world, and thus save those folk who have committed their lives to him.

“It’s annoying and frustrating for sure,” said North Harris County’s Senate representative John Whitmore. “But It’s really no bother waiting a few more years for the end of the world.”

Parachutist Mr Barowicz later died in hospital with puncture wounds to his hands and feet.

Cipriani in the flesh

Brook was allegedly having a drink with her friends in Clapham’s trendy Duck and Bison when she accidentally caught sight of Cipriani on the big screen taking his scrum cap off before kicking waywardly into the crowd.

Said a surprised Brook; “It’s unreal how different Danny looked with the pixelation that clear. If I’d have met him with that kind of clarity in the pub then I may have had second thoughts.”

Cipriani in HD

Sony was quick to defend its brand of super high quality images, explaining that it doesn’t expect more relationships to fail on the basis of enhanced picture quality. “Luckily for us, very few women actually watch their [fucking ugly and wealthy] partners on plasma screens. The majority of our clientele is aimed at the 18 to 50 male bracket, and I don’t think they care if their sporting heroes have a face like a bucket of smashed crabs.” Explained Sony representative Mario Silver.

Cipriani was unavailable for comment, but insiders have suggested he may keep his scrum cap on continuously and install black and white television sets in all of Kelly’s drinking holes.

During the voting process, voters were asked to take into consideration the type of celebrity death that occurred, whether there was any hint of conspiracy, and whether they would be happy if a family member died in the same manner.

“Michael [Jackson] was drugged and murdered,” said mother of three Linda Connor, “so you have to vote for him. Although David [Carradine] did die trying to pleasure himself off, which is more interesting than a heart attack or something.”

Flying under the radar: In any other year, being found hanged with a rubber tube tied around your penis might net you first place

Flying under the radar in the poll was musician Les Paul and underrated Hollywood writer/director John Hughes, who was one of the first writers to portray young people in a positive, intelligent light with features like The Breakfast Club, Home Alone and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

Zsa Zsa Gabor was also on Maxim’s list, although Hollywood officials later indicated that she is in fact still alive, although due to poor health is rumoured to be on Maxim’s 2010 celebrity death-list alongside John Travolta (plane crash), Sylvester Stallone (steroids) and Jean Claude Van Damme (high-kick induced ruptured testicle).

Maxim stated that due to the one-sided nature of the poll, the only scenario where Jackson could be overtaken were if Jesus Christ descended from the heavens and die in a freak snowboarding accident.

1605; Spaniard Juan Marco Jimenez is the first foreigner to play in England against a rowdy bunch of locals called the Queens’ Executioners, as he is unceremonially chased through the local village of Shrewsbury carrying a pig’s bladder. Mr Jimenez was later tried and hanged for treason.

1984; Minority gang violence reduces dramatically in less affluent areas of Birmingham after local fans at a West Bromwich Albion match are able to take out their aggression on the French Guiana forward Cyrille Regis, who they claim is ‘too slow’, ‘lazy’ and ‘better at chasing gazelle’.

1995; Having seen his face on Crimewatch six years prior, Eric Cantona unselfishly alerts stadium police by fly-kicking rapist and paedophile Matthew Simmons in the face after spotting him in the stands in a game between Manchester United and Crystal Palace.

1997/98; To the delight of fans across the country, Manchester United don’t regain the Premiership title after Frenchman Arsene Wenger introduces Alex Ferguson to the wonders of a 2007 Beaujolais Nouveau Red, knocking the United manager off the wagon and rendering his team selection useless.

2000; Due to continental players having smaller genitals, communal baths are scrapped to avoid the new European superstars embarrassing themselves after a match. To the relief of wives and girlfriends cases of inter-team genital herpes reduces by 50%.

2003; To the delight of Brits everywhere, Balding Swede Sven Goran Erikson demonstrates that you don’t have to be successful in your job to get money and women.

2004; After a turbulent season and near split with his partner, Leicester City winger Keith Gillespie rekindles his love of the game (and his girlfriend) after foreign teammates demonstrate the sexual positions required to hit his girlfriend’s G spot on a terrified local girl in the Spanish holiday resort of La Manga.

2009; New British high-diving champion Thomas Daley (14) attributes his recent victories to his footballing hero Christiano Ronaldo, after watching him dive all around the field in an attempt to dupe the referee into awarding him 10’s across the board.

The presenter and ex-SAS marine is said to be conscious and in a stable condition at St Mary’s Hospital after a small seizure caused by eating a granary baguette with tuna mayo, cucumber and some chilli sauce.

Accident and Emergency consultant Raj Mistry confirmed “Bear [Grylls] had spent six months eating all kinds of weird and wonderful things. When you go from eating raw Koala, snake and beetle grubs to eating your mum’s roast dinner it’s no wonder it’s a shock to the system. He probably didn’t even wash his hands after wiping his ass with a eucalyptus leaf either.”

Grylls’s M.O for the series is to be as sensationalist and remarkably masculine as possible, living off the land in perilous places like the Australian Bush, the jungles of Sumatra and Edinburgh city centre, eating any number of toxic plants and wild animals. Traditionally Grylls has to kill animals with his bear hands or a knife, depending on how impressive it makes him look.

At one point during filming in Northern Queensland Grylls was filmed on his knees poking a termite mound with his tongue.

Whilst in hospital Grylls also confirmed the rumour that he stayed in a TravelLodge during a supposed shoot in Canada, but reminded reporters that staying in a Travel Lodge is, in most respects, more life threatening than staying in the Canadian Wilderness.

Swayze was most remembered for his lead preformance in the 1987 blockbuster Dirty Dancing, where Swayze brought a deep, creepy persona, gyrating hips and chiseled facial features alongside dancing partner Jennifer Grey. Teenage girls were quick to heap praise on the film, citing a new, never-going-to-meet-the-mother heart-throb. Everyone else thought the film was pretty shit. 

In 1990 Swayze teamed up with then super starlet Demi Moore for arguably his only good film ever, playing a creepy lawyer ghost set to heap revenge on his own killers.  Swayzer’s performance startled audiences with its borderline toucher qualities, despite being the lead protagonist in a summer blockbuster.

“It’s weird to think [Patrick] has been around for decades.” Said Ghost co-star Whoopie Goldberg, “It seems odd to think that despite his worldwide fame he may have only made one good movie. And even that is debatable.”

Like other Hollywood actors, Swayze leaves a legacy of being around for eons and only producing one half decent flick. Other actors that fall into this category are Nicholas Cage (Adaptation), Ben Affleck (Chasing Amy) and Kevin Costner (            ).

The thirty-five year man, still unnamed by police, was originally feared to be in need of serious psychiatric help and a danger to society, however, after informing specialists he felt blessed and watched over by a hippy who arguably lived in the Bronze Age, and who promised a life of luxury and harp playing after his death, the case was rubber stamped as routine, and the case was closed.

Artist impression: probable expression of Jesus after turning water into wine

“If he’d have said his imaginary friend was called Tony,” said Psychiatrist Linda Smith, “then he’d probably be spending the remainder of his life eating through a straw in a padded rubber room. However as [his friend] is Jesus, he’s no crazier then any normal person and obviously perfectly fine.”

Psychiatrist and preacher Desmond Almond reported on Channel 4 news that over half the world’s populace has some kind of belief in an imaginary, invisible deity, and therefore are rightly immune to ridicule, scepticism and locked padded rooms. He later pointed out to children that if they were unable to feel the presence of his imaginary friend then they would probably spend eternity in Hell.

The female driver of the vehicle claimed that she never saw the sprawled Zebra appear from the two-toned zebra crossing surface on Park Road, part of the A41. The shaken female driver refused to give her name or to take blame for the incident insisting to police that ‘[once again] public safety has been jeopardised [by the Government, and no i wasn't applying my lip liner].’

The lady driver later explained to lawyers that it is irresponsible for the government to continue to use Zebra crossings, especially with the amount of black-and-white children in the Cosmopolitan hub of London. Although most were bemused by the woman driver’s complaint initially, there is now a surfacing racial outcry and protest levied against the government by women drivers and black-and-white people everywhere.

Caught on CCTV: The Zebra grazes on Park Road

The Transport Secretary, Andrew Adonis and his representatives cancelled any dinner reservations with mistresses in order to burn the midnight oil trying to figure out a solution to an obviously delicate subject. Original plans for a Giraffe crossings were dismissed as London Zoo houses two East African Giraffe; Zulu and Apache, and any likely escape would likely yeild similar results.

After an initial bill was tentatively put through parliament matters were made more complicated when a Newcastle United supporter donning the legendary black-and-white stripes was hit and paralysed on a similar crossing in South London. After careful consideration Adonis and his team agreed to multiply the North East’s Zebra Crossing’s quota by 500%.

The general morale in London Zoo is at an all time low as Pelicans also fear for their safety if released.

Concerning the McCann images, an anonymous lab assistant defended the rather unexpected results, stating that ‘you would be surprised how accurate these things actually are (a claim owing itself to the fact that no Photo-fit has ever solved a crime or located the person in question and as such we cannot question these supposed accuracies, even if the evidence and results contradict rationality to the extreme),’ the assistant continued, ‘many seven year old girls have size 34 Double D breasts nowadays and it is not uncommon for the colour of people’s irises to change as they mature.’ The assistant was defending the rather questionable physical appearances attributed to this much more mature Madeline. 

The images released of Osama before and after the removal of his beard and Turban. Although few would have expected Osama to look just like Brad Pitt we are assured that the results are 99.99% accurate.

But who am I to question the accuracy of Photo-fits? Although I might have made this up entirely: Photo-fits of Osama bin Laden were released too. The job of these scientists must be so hard because I would never have imagined the results that emerged from their research. What was presented was an Osama minus his beard and turban and low and behold hiding behind that was a 30 something blonde, with blue eyes and a perfect bone structure. The company behind the research and development claimed that although the results may come as a shock to many, if you look closely at the biological makeup of Brad and Osama they are genetically ‘twins’. 

The only account of Photo-fits being compared to their real-life counterpart were those of Saddam Hussein. Once again time was spent analysing the person in consideration, two images prevailed one in disguise and one minus a moustache, these in fact were surprisingly accurate (partly due to the fact that they were simply badly photo-shopped images of the man himself). Unfortunately for the team who produced the images the man was actually found, and they failed to take into account a few considerations that to a certain extent are excusable owing to their ‘remarkable peculiarity’. A spokesperson said, ‘How were we meant to know that Saddam’s beard would continue to grow? Even if a person is the most wanted man in the world surely he still has time to have a shower, a shave and a haircut; the minute discrepancies are due to the laziness of Saddam and in no way any fault of our own. Moreover, if you were on the run (from the entire world) every one of us would pop on some fake glasses and a funny nose; no-one would ever suspect a thing, surely?’

Having said that the Photo-fits on Watchdog and Crimewatch each week have kept the British public entertained for years; let’s keep them.

Above: The images produced of Saddam without his moustache; cleverly disguised; and the actual state he was found in. The CIA maintained that their contribution to the finding of Saddam was vital as without these images the ex-Iraqi dictator would likely been released without further questioning,  regardless to whether he was found suspiciously, cowering in a tiny hole covered by a rug in the middle of a desert.

The two artists crossed paths in the mixing studio after Will, 29, had finished over dubbing his vocals for his new single the singer said.  

“She is so perfect I’d love to fuck her every which way but loose. I just can’t I guess, because I’m gay.” 

“I’ve never been so attracted to any individual, male or female,” said Young. “If my last boyfriend had such an amazing feminine body and tits as symmetrical as Cheryl’s, then I’d be a happy man.”

The two artists talked for approximately fifty-three seconds and shared an interesting array of facts from the human genome theory, the origins of profanity in the English language and the death of that guy with the little hand. 

“As soon as you talk to Cheryl you fantasise about a big house full of great kids, a dog and a shed full of expensive wood cutting tools you’d never use. Instead I’m stuck with a boyfriend and the thought of going through the hell of adoption courts.”  Said a physically destressed Young as he headed to the toilets for a wank.

T-100, who has a combined 11 minutes of screen time in the first three terminator movies, has been  forced into a stint in the homosexual adult film industry to bolster his bank account during the writing, production and financing stages of the Terminator trilogies.

“I’ve auditioned for several romantic comedy roles” T-100 told expectant comicon fans in San Diego, “After being turned down for Othello at the West End Theatre in London I genuinely thought my mainstream acting days were over.”

T-100 probably failed to get the role as Othello because of gender and racial stereotyping

“I was really surprised when I heard [that he was doing gay porn]” said Terminator director James Cameron, “He’s really professional on set, takes direction well, and just has a great, genuine sense of humour.”

Another bone of contention for T-100 is the acting possibilities afforded to other terminators, namely the technologically advanced, futuristic T-1000, who has been able to double up as established Hollywood actors due to his ability to morph into any animate object it touches.

“Although Nicholas Cage was on holiday in Rome, T-1000 was able to doppelganger for him in his role in National Treasure and clearly better the performance.” Said T-100 bitterly when asked about his favourite actors in San Diego.  ”I guess I need to continue to hope they [big Hollywood studios] keep throwing money at the failing Terminator franchise. Otherwise it’s back to anal sex for me. And not the good kind.”

Tentatively named Adam Jr, this new type of human will still have the obligatory organs, flesh and bone of the conventional homosapien, but will not have the strong tendencies to consume natural resources at a rate completely unsustainable and detrimental for the Earth - and all its current inhabitants.

“With an estimated ten species of animal going extinct every week, I thought it was time to get back in the lab[oratory],” said God after removing his goggles and turning off a bunsen burner. “Who would have thought that we would be where we are now 6000 years ago when Adam and Eve were joyfully frolicking around in the Garden [of Eden].”

Adam and Eve Jr. will happily seperate plastic and glass bottles for recycling

After His initial statement, God released a list of the first humans to be replaced: the initial people to go would be groups of men who wear pointy shoes and white shirts whilst going out on a Saturday night; then freshers who feel inclined to walk up and down Whiteladies road at 5am on a Tuesday morning screaming at the top of their lungs; and finally priests and genocidal dictators.

Bringing up the rear of the list will be those people too lazy to separate their cardboard from their plastic bottles. “Why bother supplying humanity with recycling bins and bottle banks when they possess the personalities to not fucking use them,” God said, shaking His head, “Aren’t I glad I created irony.”